Beef truckin'
by Frau Snape
Summary: The first ever Melon & Chex story- written with no spefic plot in mind, but for the pure entertainment of my friends. a pre-Potter work.


AHHHH IIIEEEEEE!!!! MONGOOSE IN THE ROAD!!  
  
::melon swerves the beef truck wildly to avoid hitting the "mongoose", which is really a small piece of tyre rubber, less than a foot long::  
  
chex: GOURD!! LEARN HOW TO DRIVE!!! aww.. fuck, now i've spilled bloodshake all over my pants! :chex mops the bloodshake up w/ a nappy.. lestat takes the bloodshake from the backseat of the beeftruck, and soifs it greatfully.. armand swipes it from him and chugs it::::  
  
chex: HEY! don't drink all of that!! it's mine!  
  
gourd: hah! poor chex, it looks like fred came to visit you! you have blood all down your pants!  
  
chex: dammit!  
  
::the four are carreening down highway 54 in a beef truck on one of melon's random road trips thru america.::  
  
lestat: uhh. does anyone know what state we're in?  
  
melon: my mind.. if you can only guess... i think we'll go to hollywood so we can see chex's foot prints in front of graumann's chinese theatre!  
  
chex.: ...eh?  
  
armand: no no no.. that's TOM mix.. i remember.. i was there..  
  
chex: oh.  
  
melon:well.. they're chex feet just the same..  
  
lestat: why go to cali to see chex feet? just look down, fool!  
  
::melon looks down at chex's feet and ahh's, sending the beef truck carreening across three lanes of traffic.::  
  
all:: AHHHHH!!!! GOURD!!  
  
SQUEAL!!!!- SORRY!!::regains control of the beef truck::  
  
- i just wanted to go to hollywood to see Tim curry.. ::gourd sighs::  
  
chex: well let's be quick and not drive for ten hours like the last road trip we went on....  
  
::they pull up to LA..::  
  
gourd: hey look! it's tim curry walking down the street! GLEEEE!! ::glomps tim::  
  
tim:: you're fabulous! what's your name? -nevermind! will you marry me?  
  
gourd : squeal yes! ::swoons::  
  
chex: oh wow.. we're gonna be awhile.. let's go see the celebs, shall we? hey look, there's tom cruise!  
  
lestat: ??? wha? damn! he looks good!  
  
chex: i'll say..  
  
yay! happy gourd!  
  
see ya later at graumann's shall i? tim and i are going on a pre-wedding vacation to his bedroom.. then we'll be back to get married.. be güd while we're gone.. ::looks at lestat:: -don't eat tom cruise! oliver platt is much tastier.. and he's standing right across the street..  
  
  
  
Keara: This place is big....I don't like being places I have no idea where  
  
I'm going.  
  
Lestat: Don't worry dear, how about if we go ask that man across the street?  
  
Keara: ::blink blink:: Is that? Oh yeah! That is Tom Cruise! I almost  
  
forgot! We're in LA!  
  
Armand: Oh dear. We may be in trouble.  
  
Lestat: honestly dear Armand, how could WE be in trouble?  
  
Keara: What time is it?  
  
Lestat: ::looks to the horizon:: We have plenty of time, I woke up only a  
  
few hours ago in the back of your friend's truck.  
  
Keara: Speaking of the gourd....maybe we should find her?  
  
Lestat: NO, I think we should go talk to Tom Cruise..... ::crosses the  
  
street oblivious to traffic::  
  
Keara: What are you doing! You forgot me!  
  
Armand: ::shakes his head and sighs::  
  
Keara: Come on Armand! This'll be fun!  
  
-----  
  
Later in a random cafe  
  
Tom Cruise: So, you're both vampires, eh?  
  
Lestat: Indeed.  
  
Tom: And what were your names again?  
  
Armand: We never told you our names.  
  
Keara: I think maybe you should tell him and stop charming him with your  
  
vampire-ness  
  
Lestat: My name is Lestat de Lioncourt  
  
Armand: You may call me Armand.  
  
Keara: I'm Keara, but you can call me Chex.  
  
Tom: ::smile:: Oh? And why is that?  
  
Keara: It's my nickname. My last name is Mix.  
  
Tom: ::delighted:: Oh! Are you related to Tom Mix? The singing cowboy of the  
  
silent films?  
  
Keara: Yeah....I know it sounds weird, but it worked  
  
Lestat: So, Tom, I hear you played me in a movie.  
  
Tom: Lestat? ::shocked for a moment:: You're the real Vampire Lestat?  
  
Lestat: ::beaming:: Indeed.  
  
Armand: ::slighly disgruntled:: The man who played me in the movie looked  
  
nothing like me. He was too old, and I am NOT Spanish.  
  
Tom: Wow....this is one weird night.....  
  
Lestat: Excuse me, I hate to be blunt, but, may I have a taste?  
  
Tom: Of what?  
  
Keara: ::puts her head in her hands:: Oh no....  
  
Lestat: ::sinister smile:: Of you, of course.  
  
Armand: Lestat, we've broken enough rules as it is, leave him be.  
  
Lestat: ::pouting:: Oh, you're no fun Armand  
  
Keara: We have to go find Melon....I have no idea where we are.  
  
Tom: I could show you around, it'd be no problem  
  
Armand: We're setting ourselves up for disaster.  
  
Keara: Oh, don't be so pessimistic. it'll be fine. At least he knows his way  
  
around better than we do.  
  
Lestat: I know my way around. I used to live here.  
  
Tom: Please let me come, I'd like to be in your company, really I would.  
  
Lestat: Well.....you can come with us if I may drink from you...just a  
  
taste..nothing more.  
  
Armand: ::curious:: what are you up to, Lestat?  
  
Lestat: ::taking Tom's arm:: Let's go back here, in this little side room...  
  
Keara: Maybe he's getting rid of the risk of him knowing where we rest.  
  
Melon: Squeal everyone! Come on! YOu don't want to be late for my wedding!  
  
Keara: Gourd! How did you find us?!  
  
Melon: I have Chex radar! I can find you anywhere! Now let's go before Tim  
  
gets impatient  
  
Keara: Hold on, Lestat is taking some blood from Tom Cruise  
  
Melon: ::agitated squeal:: Didn't I tell him to try Oliver Platt instead?  
  
Armand: Well, Lestat is Lestat.  
  
Lestat: ::coming out of random sideroom:: alright, that's done, let's get  
  
going.  
  
Armand: What did you do to him?  
  
Lestat: Well, I was going to do a little more than take his blood, but when  
  
I heard that Melon was so insistent on going, I took some of his blood and  
  
erased his memory.  
  
Keara: Wow....I wish I could do that....  
  
Melon: Ok everyone! Into the fabulously extravagant limo!  
  
SQUEAL!!! ::: the bridal gourd drags chex and her vampyres into the back of the big-ass 1930's rolls limo, which is furnished in red plush and mink fur.. there is a large black and white glamour portrait of the melon right above the bar.:::  
  
squeal, isn't it great?! tim bought it for me for as a wedding gift! now.. we have to go pick up the gowns from versace, and pick up the tuxes for the vampyres...  
  
::once at versace's store, the gay designer produces two gowns, one immense red and black beaded gown to fit the chex, and another which takes three people to carry out- an ivory velvet and satin gown trimmed with gold thread and diamonds that weighs at least 100 pounds.. ::  
  
squeal!! chex i need help with my dress! ::chex and four other dressers help the melon into the gown, but while they are working hard..::  
  
lestat: ohh.. versace! i do love your designs! i always have. allow me to introduce myself.....  
  
armand:::sigh::: i'm going across the street for a blood latte.. i'll be back in ten minutes.  
  
::meanwhile, harry winston pops by with the diamonds melon needs.. all 30 pounds of them.:: the gourd is a melonish vision to behold..  
  
squeal! we're ready chex! i need you to help me walk this dress out to the limo..  
  
chex: but! where are my vampyres?? they were here a minute ago? what am i sitting on? ohhh lawdy....  
  
::chex follows the yelps to the back room and pulls lestat off of gianni versace.::  
  
lestat! do you mind?! do you know what gourd will do to you if you kill her designer??! she still has to have her trousseau made!  
  
::chex drags lestat out to the limo, where they find armand finishing his latte. ::  
  
chex: you two have to sit in the front, otherwise the gourd won't fit with her gown..  
  
-AND DON'T FANG THE DRIVER!  
  
vampyres: ::sigh:::  
  
::chex helps the gourd drag herself out to the car, pulling in yards of fabric before she can actually get the melon in the car. ::  
  
-once in the car  
  
melon: hey chex! skull war!!  
  
chex: ::eyes the huge diamond tiara on gourd's haid.::  
  
uhh.. not now gourd.. how about after the wedding..  
  
melon: mooppe. ... hey chex!!  
  
chex: what?!  
  
melon: guess where i'm gettin' married?!  
  
chex: where, gourd?!  
  
gourd: IN MANN'S CHINESE THEATRE!! ::bounces with glee::  
  
chex: wow! right near tom mix's feet!  
  
gourd: and right near yours! he he he heeeee !  
  
::they pull up to graumann's chinese theatre and chex hops out, and sets to work on getting the melon out.::  
  
melon: hurry chex! tim will be here any minute, and he can't see me before the wedding!  
  
lestat: yeah, he might change his mind!  
  
gourd: kiss my asss!!  
  
lestat: it would take weeks to find it in that thing!!  
  
:chex drags gourd backstage with the help of the vampyres, who then adorn themselves in tuxes.  
  
-CUT TO-  
  
tim arrives, looking as sexy as he ever was ::droool::::, already dressed and waiting for his melon.  
  
a crowd gathers out front..::  
  
melon: squeal! who's going to give me away??  
  
chex: you are!  
  
gourd: but i can't walk down the aisle on my own.. my dress is too heavy!  
  
chex: armand! you're butch enough! help drag our gourd down the aisle. will you?  
  
armand: alright.. ::pulls the gourd to the aisle, and they follow the chex.  
  
finally, the gourd is passed to tim, who pulls her with some effort, to stand across from him.  
  
harrison ford: (is a notary public how about that?!) tim curry, do you take this miss gourd to be your wife, and to love her and worship her and give her stuff for as long as the two of you are married?  
  
tim: oh yes! i do i do!  
  
harrison ford: and melon devine, do you take tim to love and snuggle and give pet names to, and sex whenever he wants it for as long as you both are wed?  
  
melon: GOD YES!!  
  
harrison: place the ring on the gourd's finger. :::tim pulls out a diamond rock so big, that when he places it lovingly on the melon's finger, the weight of it, combined with the weight of her gown, becomes too much for the gourd, and she falls over.:: SQUEAL!  
  
ford: then i now pronounce you husband and gourd.  
  
you may snog.  
  
::they do, eliciting cheers from the crowd.::  
  
chex: ::with a tear in her eye:: my little melon-chan is married!! ::cry cry::  
  
lestat: aww... there, there.. let me comfort you...  
  
::tim and his best men (oliver plat, eric idle, john cleese and annie potts) pick up the melon and carry her amidst a shower of rice and shoes to the getaway car, where they drive off for their honeymoon in italy.  
  
chex turns back to the beef truck and sighs: well, looks like we have to get this beef truck back to melon's.. ::spying a note on the windshield, she reads it.  
  
"chex- i sold this beef truck to madonna.. she really likes beef... she'll be picking it up tomorrow.. go wait at tim's house. - gourd.  
  
::chex sighs ::  
  
armand: what a dirty, rotten thing to do! she sold the damn beef truck! our only mode of transport! :they go to tim's almost empty house, and the butler, wadsworth, lets them in.  
  
wadsworth: there's a wedding present from mrs. curry for you in the gah- rage.  
  
::they look and find a phat ass purple viper with a licence tag scribed: CHEX  
  
chex: ROCK! THE GOURD DOES LOVE ME!  
  
and they drove home gleefully.  
  
end  
  
  
  
the sequel  
  
::madonna wakes up one morning with her new husband, guy ritchie, and they decide to go for a trip in the new beef truck they just bought from mrs. tim curry.:::  
  
madonna: i'll just put rocco's diaper bag in the back with the beef ::opens the back of the truck:: oh! there are 2 coffins back here! guy! did you put these coffins back here?  
  
guy ritchie: no, hon i thought you did.  
  
madonna: hmmm.. that's odd.. they must belong to melon. we'll have to return them to her.  
  
::they drop by the curry estate, of course to find that mr. and mrs. curry are still on their honeymoon to in-jah. they leave the coffins with wadsworth, who promises to notify melon curry of their return at the next phone call.::  
  
madonna: that's done.. i feel like going to florida! ::they road trip to florida::  
  
::meanwhile... tou, chex, her two vampyres and miki, are road trippin' in the viper back to LA, when they pass a beef truck going the opposite way on the interstate.::  
  
tou: hey! that looks like the old beef-mobile! ::points::  
  
chex: yeah! that IS the old beef mobile! madonna must be road tripping to florida!!  
  
lestat: i bet she found our coffins and is returning them to us! ::they plow across the median and give chase to the beef truck for about 50 miles, until they all pull over at south of the boarder in SC.. chex catches up with madonna in pedro's hat!:::  
  
chex: hey madonna! dude! do you have our coffins?  
  
madonna: huh? they were yours?! well shit, i thought they were melon curry's and i took 'em over there!.. they're still in LA...  
  
chex, lestat and armand: aww, fuck.  
  
madonna: hell, i'm sorry! i didn't even know melon knew any vampyres!  
  
lestat: only the sexy ones.. but we should be going.. we need those coffins before daylight.! we can only use ray-bans for so long.. we need sleep.... ::armand snoozes on his shoulder.:::  
  
::they say goodbye to madonna and pile back in the viper before driving back towards LA. ::  
  
chex: we really should pick up the coffins, then go see tom mix's feet.  
  
lestat::yawns:: yeah.. i'm sleepy..  
  
miki: are we gonna stay at the beverly wilshire? everyone stays there.. all the movie stars, anyway.  
  
chex: i guess so, i mean it's not like the gourd is around to invite us to stay at her house... she's with tim in in-jah..  
  
tou: weren't they in italy?  
  
armand: that was two weeks ago.. now they've moved on to in-jah.. and next week it's egypt.. you really should keep up with current events..  
  
chex: yeah, really..  
  
miki: i have to pee! can we please stop?!  
  
chex:::sigh:: why didn't you go at south of the border like everyone else??  
  
miki: i was asleep in the car! :::they pull over at a rest stop, and chex gets out to stretch her laigs... a random telegram boy walks up, gives her a telegram and walks off.. she reads it aloud::  
  
chex: DEAR CHEX (STOP) HEARD U WERE GOIN BACK TO LA (STOP) WHY DON'T YOU STAY AT TIM'S AND MY PLACE (STOP) THE BEVERLY WILSHIRE IS TOO TRENDY, BLEAH (STOP)  
  
GOURD (STOP)  
  
-how the hell did she know that? chex wonders... and shrugs.  
  
not too much later -  
  
:::they pull up to the curry estate in LA.. and wadsworth lets them in, telling them they have been expected and that guest rooms have been prepared for them..  
  
lestat and armand are gleeful to discover their coffins in their suites.  
  
chex, tou and miki all have gargantuan three-room suites.::  
  
chex: well.. this suite is bigger than my damn house! it's lonely in here... ::tou pops up from under the massive bed pillows::  
  
tou: i was thinking the same thing, so i came to join you, and keep you company.  
  
chex: tou!! ::GLOMPs him, and hears a squeak..:: -wha??  
  
tou: oh that.. i just brought miki in case you wanted.. .uh more company:..:: pulls back some pillows to reveal miki, too.::  
  
chex:: well well well! small boys ass fucking! how about that?!  
  
-the next day- at graumann's chinese theatre-  
  
chex: here they are! i found tom mix's foot prints!! :::everyone admires them, next to tony the wonder horse's.. chex steps into the other chex's footprints.::  
  
ohhh! i feel just like a singing cowboy chex! wow! ::chex is suddenly distracted by a crowd of people, standing around one of the newer blocks of cement.. she goes to see whose it is..::  
  
random LA tour guide: these are the newest foot prints of the walk of fame.. melon and tim curry! they were put here shortly after their wedding a few weeks ago to celebrate their movie which is coming out next year!  
  
chex: huh?? i was at the wedding! i don't remember that!! i didn't hear anything about this! ::looks at the footprints.. one of them is definitely the gourd's small gourd feet, the other must belong to tim::  
  
chex: huh.. ... what's the movie about?  
  
tour guide: it's called -"my memoirs of a skull haided chex"- what ever that title means...  
  
but look! there's one of the baldwins! ::points::  
  
to be continued.. 


End file.
